STORY BY

Josh Gowin

In a world where blogs, Web journals, and e-mails race around the globe faster than a Tiger Woods tee shot, we may adopt the adage “sticks and stones may break my bones but an online blunder can ruin my career.”

Americans have seen e-mail mishaps wreck the careers of public servants, journalists and celebrities. In the business world, e-mailed threats of violence, perhaps intended innocuously, have led to termination of employees.

While the swiftness of communication can aid our productivity and provides convenience, it spreads ill will with equal speed. What’s worse, because online messages are recorded, Internet slip-ups have permanence as difficult to wash out as a wine stain. We’re still waiting on the “pretend I didn’t send that” button, so in the meantime we’ve got to mind our manners or face the consequences.

When most of us know how to maintain cordial relationships through modes of communication, why is it that people so often get others hot under the collar when text-messaging via devices such as BlackBerrys or computers? A term increasingly used to describe this behavior is “flaming,” which means to send messages that are insulting, embarrassing, hostile, or threatening over the Internet.

Web-psychology

The immediacy of e-mails probably accounts for part of the problem. Usually, the longer it takes between provocation and response, the more likely aggression is to be toned down or not occur at all, explains Scott Lane, PhD, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at The University of Texas Medical School at Houston.

E-communiqués possesses a number of features which alter discretion of how to interact politely. Not only are you invisible in a sense, but so is the person to whom your comments are directed.

In the wake of the atrocities committed by the Nazis in World War II, a famous 1960s study by Stanley Milgram attempted to understand obedience to authority. With startling results, Milgram found that people under orders were more likely to punish someone they could not see rather than someone sitting in front of them.

Termed ‘dehumanization,’ the facelessness of the Internet facilitates aggressive behavior, such as the increasing frequency of middle school students creating pseudo-profiles online and anonymously threatening or bullying their peers.

Flaming is nothing new. Since the first net-users were buzzing away at their computers, incidents of ‘Web rage’ have been seeping into communication. Part of the trouble stems from misinterpretation when we e-mail quickly without vocal or facial cues. A sarcastic jab might stir laughter at the water cooler, but online it might be taken seriously, and it runs the risk of rubbing someone the wrong way.

Once a misunderstanding occurs, aggression tends to breed more aggression. Lane clarifies that some people tend to reply to provocation excessively and with less emotional control, and this can cause conflicts to escalate.
Examples of vicious discourse are readily available in online chat rooms and anonymous Web commentary about the presidential candidates.

Behind every e-mail is a person

Sam Hester, director of The University of Texas Health Science Center at Hosuton’s Employee Assistance and WorkLife Services, shared several approaches to deal with a flamer or to help would-be flamers cool off before saying something they’ll soon regret. If someone expresses disproportionate hostility through an e-mail, she suggests separating the person from the problem and focusing on the problem.

When you receive a vitriolic message, “call the person back to clarify their intent,” Hester encourages, “and if they intended the message as you read it, ask to sit and talk.”

Of course, if the menace is severe or violent, it’s best to report it to your supervisor or the police rather than put yourself in danger. his should be a cautionary note to anyone inclined to intimidate online. As Hester puts it, “Before you send idle threats, think about how you will feel if it ends up on the front page of your daily newspaper.”

Many of us have received a message from someone or heard something and wished we could reach out our hands to strangle somebody, which might explain why we have grip balls next to our computers.

According to Hester, there are three ways we deal with anger: express it, suppress it, or calm down. Calming down allows you to relax, and suppression clears your head for a while, but expressing impulsive or reactive anger tends to lead to tension, and that’s where you have to be careful.

Sender, beware

Okay, so you’re angry and you’ve written a barbed e-mail that will surely make the recipient wince and regret whatever they’ve done to perturb you. You’ve addressed it, and your finger prepares to punch the send button. One, two, WAIT just a minute.

In a recently published study from the University of Iowa, research suggests that negative emotional states such as anger predispose people to act on impulse and make irrational and potentially costly decisions.

Impulsive behavior often results from interplay between two regions of the brain, the orbitofrontal cortex, which is involved with planning and rational decisions, and the amygdala, which mediates emotions such as anger.

Functionally, the amygdala is the accelerator, urging us into action, whereas the orbitofrontal cortex provides the brakes, explains F. Gerard Moeller, M.D., professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the UT Medical School at Houston. Moeller described impulsive decisions as one of two situations, “The accelerator could be mashed down all the way, or you could have a problem with your brakes.”

Impulsivity could help to explain our furious fingers. If someone often feels angry or has a tendency to retaliate with fervor, they’re liable to send impulsive emails. To counter this tendency, Moeller suggests that “exaggerated emotional responses need to be stabilized.”

Stabilization is one way of saying, “Calm down.” As Hester reminds us, you can’t be stressed and relaxed at the same time, so he recommends patience. “Write it out if you must, but don’t send it. Wait a day, and if you still need to convey your feelings, it’s not too late.”

This corroborates the wisdom of a famous communicator, Abraham Lincoln, who wrote many furious letters to his generals at the height of the Civil War, when small mistakes cost dearly. His generals rarely felt the ire of these letters, but it was not because Lincoln’s words were magical. Lincoln never sent the letters. After he wrote the letters, he destroyed them, but he then felt more able to focus on the bigger picture, helping him make better decisions.

The other cheek

When that blazing e-mail comes in or you have an urge to venomously reprimand an incompetent co-worker, rather than fight fire with fire, RELAX. Take a deep breath, go for a walk to clear your mind--but whatever you do, don’t worry. No matter the situation, your e-mail will be right there waiting when you get back. Unless of course you throw your laptop out the window.