Imagine what our great-great-grandmothers would say about parenting:

Oy, you don't know from struggle-try crossing an ocean with seven children to a new country with only the clothes on our backs.

You think that's bad, our grandmothers would retort, at least you had community. The Great Depression and the Great War tore us apart. And how do you explain to your thirsty child that the drinking fountain is for Whites-only?

Our mothers, products of the last Great War, must wonder daily how they survived Woodstock, Viet Nam, free love-and, if they ever measured up to The Clevers.

And now, we are sure that we have it worse: the internet, drugs, ADD, crime and terrorism keep us biting our nails. Half of us are raising kids alone, and wondering how to instill values in them from our office cubicles.

Yes, it's OK to say the world's oldest phrase: times have changed since I, you, we grew up. We move around. Both parents work. We don't know our neighbors. We have cell phones and email, but no front porch on which to sit and wait for the ice cream truck.

Our communities—both geographic and cultural—are shifting, disappearing. Our parent community is confused about our boundaries. We're frankly scared to tell another parent on the little League field that their child is misbehaving. We might get sued.

Yet, most of us parents depend on each other, more than we realize as barometers and yardsticks of parental "good-enoughness." That is why, HealthLeader went to the true experts, those parents and guardians of today's children for advice.

The rest of this story is yours. (Print it out—it's a keeper.) \

What advice would you give to parents raising teenagers?

Listen, Listen Listen. Be patient; let them talk through their thoughts and feelings even when you are busy, tired or disagree. If they tell you they just want you to sit with them in their room or outside, do it. Usually, they have something they want to talk about.

If they tell you something that they want kept confidential, keep it, unless it will cause harm to them or someone else. Then help them take the appropriate steps and support them, don't criticize them.

When your teens make mistakes, help them learn from them - they will be less apt to make that one again. When they make another mistake, be patient and help them learn from it .

Praise them for coming to you and being honest. They will start telling you more and talking to you more.
— L. Warner

There's no evidence that kids overall are worse in this generation-though they are noisier. But if you were to compare them in equal settings [ to previous generations ], things aren't as dour as you might think.

"Oh, and when you're talking, don't try to use their slang. Even if you get it right, it will NEVER be cool to them."

- B.Pierre

The most important thing with kids of all ages: be sure you are modeling exactly what you're asking of them. Despite all the diversity [of social messages on how to behave] parents can actually model behavior, calmly but firmly, to prevent kids from going down a difficult path. If you tell the white lie, don't be surprised if your child bends the truth, too.

A phrase I use a lot is: it's a parent's job to be mean. Sometimes we all need that. It's OK-that's part of the job. Tell your kids that if a parent doesn't do that, then they aren't taking care of their children. If your child ran out in the middle of the street and you didn't chase after them, yelling and admonishing, you'd be putting them in harm's way.

Teenage dangers are no different.
— A. Saunders, MD , psychiatrist and mother

Raising a teenager is difficult at best. I don't know if it's harder as a single parent or just different. The most useful thing I learned in dealing with my teenaged daughter, who is now 21, is to talk to her all the time and not to shy away from the hard topics like sex, drugs, and yes, even the household budget.

Don't be afraid to share your mistakes with your teenager. It's good for them to know that you weren't always perfect.

Even when it appears that the vibration of their music is used to tune you out, something will stick and prove to be useful one day. Arm them with knowledge, because you can't watch them 24/7/365.

Choose a time when your stress level is low. (I know. when is that ?) I like the idea of when we are in the car: no escape route. Make it a dialogue, not a monologue, by using active listening skills.

Oh, and when you're talking, don't try to use their slang. Even if you get it right, it will NEVER be cool to them.
— B.Pierre

My suggestion to parents of teenagers or any child: Admit that your child may not be a carbon copy of you at their age. Just because you were an exceptional student, athlete, or musician does not necessarily mean they should follow that path.

Even college is not meant for everyone. Some kids are able to find their way into exciting lives and livelihoods without having obtained a college degree.
— Regular Reader and Parent

Building a relationship with your own child takes time and cannot be taken for granted. Building such a relationship is a long-term time investment. Below are six major points towards building a wonderful relationship.

1. Understand your child - be patient, empathetic and listen
2. Attend to the little things - don't put your child's things away as unimportant - they are important to them
3. Keep commitments - make the time for your child, don't compromise on that time for anything or anyone else
4. Clarify expectations - if you expect your child to behave a certain way make your expectations clear and also the reasons why. Don't just say it's because you are the parent. That is hard for a child to understand.
5. Show personal integrity - be a good role model, yourself
6. Apologize sincerely when you make a mistake. Adults are not always right. None of us are.

Parents need to be a friend to their children-in the true sense of the meaning:

Have fun with them; respect, inspire, encourage them. Be dependable and give them the sense that they are dear to you.

My father said, “Shame is good. It keeps us from going too far.”

- S. Hazel

Spend more time with teens and plan on activities that parents and teens would enjoy together.

Just short phone calls or quick hellos - these don't intimidate the teen or give them the feeling that you are supervising. Instead it gives a sense of caring and concern.

Lastly, treat teens as you would have wanted your parents to treat you. To develop a wonderful, caring parent/child relationship, the best gift that parents can give is the gift of their time.
— N. Patel , MD

I suggest talking to your teenager even if they say they want to be alone. Kindly let them know that it hurts when someone you love is avoiding you.

Talk to them about things you feel are important for them to know even when they act as though they are not listening, because they are. 

Know who their friends are and the places they go.

Most of all, always tell them the reason why you are sharing the information with them and why it is important to know where they are when they are not at home.
— D. Ukpe

Kids today are in need of strong values and priorities in their lives more than ever before. They are in need of structure and discipline as well. 

Having step-parents is common and children have to deal with two sets of household rules. This makes it harder for them to identify their true values. 

Parents need to set clear priorities.  Respect and dignity need to be instilled in children from a young age.  We are parents first and friends second. For example: I notice kids in public areas answer their parents as if they were their school buddies and sometimes use bad language.  If we parents don't teach the line between respect for your elders and the friendliness with buddies, who will?  

We are the only ones in their lives who want the best for them without anything in return.  We love them for who they are, so it is our duty as parents to mold them and make good citizens out of them.

We may be afraid of losing their friendship by being too strict, but I would rather have their respect and have them learn the right things in preparation for their adulthood. It will take many years to see the fruits of your hard work but you will be happy and they will appreciate it. 
— M. Zambrano

The mental health of your child depends on how you take care of him or her and showing him or her that love. Love is not just an abstract thought. Love from parents is hugging, kissing, playing, providing, smiling-showing the world to your child-all of that is love.

Many studies have shown that children who do not receive loving parenting (mainly from the mom) do not grow and develop normally. Love is also understanding and this implies listening to what you child wants to tell you in their own words.

And remember, some children develop at different rates. Some are verbal and others nonverbal, so listen.
— J. Carranza, MD, psychiatrist, parent

What was the most important thing your parents taught you?

1. That no one can hurt you, strip you of your dignity, without your permission.
2. That children are rented to you for a short time on the life cycle, so don't spend your time saying, if only they were older.it happens in a blink.
3. My parents set boundaries-not with barbed wire, but with a fence just high enough to make me think twice before jumping. Sometimes I jumped, anyway. They didn't have to say a word about it. Just knowing I'd jumped was a heavy enough burden to carry.
4. That parents have faults and feelings. They are just grown-up kids, trying to do the best they can. That sometimes, your spilled spaghetti is not why they are angry-it was the flat tire on the freeway before they ever got home.
5. That love happens in the moment-not in the past or the future, but right now.

— K. Krakower

Growing up in a single-parent home in which my mother was "My Everything," my mom taught me the importance of spending quality time with one's children.  My mom often worked many hours to support us but she never let her work interfere with her parenting.  No matter how tired she was, she made time for us.

At one time, I found myself so caught up in my career, ministry and exercise that I neglected my main ministry....my family.  I would rush in from a day's work and start barking orders at my children just to ensure that they got to bed at a decent hour and everything was done.

My mom would often tell me to come home, put the housework aside, take a breather and then spend some time with my children.  She'd say "You'd better spend time with them now while they're interested."
— S. Ford

Be the leader of your family. Don't let your kids see your flaws too early, but let them know later when they can handle the information.

Show an interest in them as individuals.
— S. Hazel

Spend time with yourself listening to your inner voice. My parents said that you didn't need any external validation for things that you did right or wrong. When you were kind, the inner voice tells you that you did the right thing. The inner voice also tells you when you've behaved badly, no matter how justified others can make you feel.

You need to be your own best friend, first.
— N. Patel, MD

“Shame on my parents for what I am, but shame on me for staying that way.”

- L. Auerbach

The most important thing my parents taught me: honesty. This includes always returning items that are borrowed, always taking vacation time rather than sick time for personal absences from work and never taking advantage of people. To this day I cannot overlook an error by waiters, cashiers, etc. who mistakenly return too much change!
— Regular Reader

The most important thing my parents taught me was the value of a college education and prayer.
— D. Ukpe

My father always taught me to do what I felt was right in my heart and to use common sense. He always encouraged me not to be afraid to try new things or take chances - he always said that he would believe in me. I share this with my children all the time.
— L. Warner

What's the one phrase used by your parents that still rings in your ears?

My father said, "Shame is good. It keeps us from going too far."
— S. Hazel

Always be nice, regardless of how someone treats you.

Treat others the way you'd wish to be treated.

It's not what you get from life that counts, but what you give to life.
— N. Patel, MD

My best friend, Lisa taught me a phrase that has benefited me as a daughter and a mother: "Shame on my parents for what I am, but shame on me for staying that way."
— K. Krakower

UPDATED: 5-06-2004

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