“If we judge love by the majority of its effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship.”

So goes the maxim of La Rochefoucauld, a 17th Century French nobleman and author. The people closest to us in our lives are often the same people who cause us the most distress. We've all been in friendships or witnessed marriages that left us scratching our heads.

Is this what love feels like? Sandpaper, not silk?

Despite the troubles we encounter, we hold our relationships dear. Sometimes we get angry, fume at each other at a dinner party, embarrass ourselves. We then take stock, talk it through in the light of day, forgive our partners, ourselves and fumble forward on our awkward human journey. We may feel anger, but we don’t act on it.

In some cases, though, the toll exacted for our continued contact with a loved one can be emotional and physical harm. We read incomprehensible headlines daily of children killed by what appeared to be "loving parents" or wives and husbands slaughtered by the ones who loved them, and in fact, loved them to death.

How does love turn lethal?

Two issues are at the root of these interactions: anger and aggression. Though they are related, one doesn’t necessarily imply the other. Anger is an emotion; aggression is a behavior. We may feel angry when someone takes up two prime parking spaces, but we don’t key expletives into their paint job each time it happens. On the flip side, the neighborhood bully probably wasn’t angry at all when he took the victim’s lunch money, but it didn’t stop the bully from knocking him to the ground before he walked away.

Anger is human

Anger is an emotion that, unlike depression, is interpersonal. It usually requires a buddy. We’re not just angry, we’re angry at something, or especially someone.

Anger is different from other interpersonal emotions. We can love someone for who they are, but for the most part we’re not angry at someone for who they are. We’re angry at someone for what they’ve done to us. Anger usually has a human face to it, and even when we’re angry at non-human targets, we personify them. “Yeah, that’s where he stung me, that bee, and I wasn’t bothering him at all.”

We’re usually angrier when we believe someone intentionally harms or distresses us rather than if they accidentally interfere with our well-being. “That guy saw me try to enter the freeway and cut me off on purpose!”

The target of our anger, contrary to some expectations, is often someone that we know and like. We’re not so upset with the rival who stole our best account; we’re mostly angry with our friends, significant-others and members of our family. These are the people we interact with the most, whom we trust the most, and from whom we expect the most. When they let us down, sometimes we understand, but often we get angry.

Ultimately, the product of our anger can be an act of retaliation, done either with hope that the transgressor will think twice before committing another offense or perhaps done without any thought at all of the consequences or outcome. Whether the retaliation is verbal or physical, it is still an aggressive act which, by definition, intends to harm.

Aggression: fightin’ words

Scott Lane, PhD, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at The University of Texas Medical School at Houston, studies the environmental, psychological and biological conditions involved in human aggression.

He explains that aggression can be divided into two types, “planned and goal-directed (proactive) aggression and impulsive, unplanned (reactive) aggression.” Proactive aggression is the mugger making a plan to snatch a purse and then using force or threat to steal it. Reactive aggression is a response to provocation (real or imagined.) For example, the person whose foot accidentally gets trampled in a dark theater who then reacts with hostility but no forethought, by starting an argument that ends in “taking it outside.”

An excessively aggressive response to being provoked is one way aggression escalates. An initially trivial act is followed by some retaliation that goes over the line. Angry about the response, the first person ups the ante with a more extreme reaction. Unless the cycle is broken, anger and aggression can turn to assault.

Don’t drink and quarrel

Lane says the conditions for reactive aggression are determined by “the state of the organism, such as, frustration, stress, fatigue, and intoxication.” There can be environmental triggers like“ perceived acts of disrespect. Sometimes just a face or event that is associated with aversion, like a spouse or schoolyard rival” can kick in a dangerous reaction.

Factors such as alcohol play an inflammatory role. When we’re under the influence, judgment is impaired. The misinterpretation of an innocent act can lead us to react with violence and aggression. The more impulsive we become while drinking, the more likely we are to “react” aggressively.

Indeed, by one estimate, 50 percent of violent interactions involve alcohol (U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2003), and that staggering estimate is even higher for intimate partner violence: 63 percent (National Crime Victimization Survey, 2003).

The upside of aggression

With all the negative consequences associated with aggression and anger, why are we prone to it? In Lane’s view, aggression itself is not abnormal, and is common among all species. Bees sting, dogs bite, tigers attack and swans will chase you if you get too close to their homes. Aggression serves many adaptive functions including defending territory, protecting offspring, hunting prey, and preserving social order.

In some cases, verbal or vocal aggression allows for conflict resolution without physical harm. The expression of anger can alert someone that there is a problem and two people can work together to solve it.

It is aggressive behavior that is excessive in either frequency, intensity, or both that becomes the concern of criminal justice, public health and medical systems.

“The strongest predictors of future aggression are early and persistent displays of aggression in childhood such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder, and also a family history of violence and substance abuse,” Lane says.

The anatomy of aggression:
What can be done?

The brain plays an important role in agression's process. Lane points to research indicating that the modulation of emotion in more primitive brain centers like the amygdala can be linked to aggression. The amygdala is a key brain region for regulating emotion and is tied to other parts of the brain that express emotion physically. Higher brain regions like the prefrontal cortex may help inhibit aggression, but drugs or dysfunction can impair the ability to effectively inhibit aggressive behavior in inappropriate contexts.

Brain chemistry is important as well. Neurotransmitters can have functions that excite or inhibit emotion. Lane says that “[neurotransmitters] serotonin and GABA are most closely tied to regulation of emotion, or lack thereof.” Accordingly, some treatments for aggression involve SSRIs (such as Prozac, Paxil, Lexipro) or other serotonin-based and GABA-based medications for impulse control and mood stability.

According to Lane, another effective treatment strategy is cognitive behavioral therapy to teach effective mood and stress management techniques and better skills for conflict resolution.

As Shakespeare wrote, “Men in rage strike those that wish them best.” Despite this regrettable trait of human affairs, understanding both our own emotions and those of others can help us resolve conflicts peacefully and move forward. Take heart in the positive support available and use it to help work through times of trouble. Understanding the differences between feelings and behavior; between thoughts of anger and acts of aggression is the first step toward solutions.

For further Information

Those seeking help with these issues should contact a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist.

Information is available through the UT Medical School, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at 713-500-2550.

The UT Counseling and WorkLife Services, 713-500-3327 or visit their website.

Last Updated: 10-11-2007

Editorial Board | Legal Disclaimer | Privacy & Security | Contact Us

©2000-2009 Office of Institutional Advancement, UT-Houston