When it comes to meeting people online, women generally seem to know the drill: Check for inconsistencies in his story, don’t reveal too much about yourself too soon, and meet in a public place. A recent study shows that when it comes to smoking out the online ax-murderer, women are savvy.

That is, until their eyes meet.

Sexually, caution (along with condoms) gets thrown to the wind.  In the study conducted by The University of Texas Health Science Center School of Public Health, of 740 women, 565 women had met an online partner in person. Of those, 512 women responded to a question about sex at the first encounter. Thirty percent of those women admitted they had sex at the first meeting, and 77 percent didn't use condoms for their first sexual encounter.

Instant intimacy

With the current sky-high rates of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) such as chlamydia, herpes and HIV, it begs the simple head-scratching question: Why would anyone take such a chance? Call it faux intimacy or instant trust, but online relationships seem to engender a false sense of sexual safety.

“Online dating can lead to feelings of accelerated intimacy,” says Paige Padgett, PhD, the author of the study and a research associate in the UT School of Public Health’s Division of Epidemiology and Disease Control. “You are able to disclose deeply personal information faster than you would if you were just meeting face to face for the first time,” she explains.

Childhood secrets, disastrous ex-love affairs, all things I’ve-never-told-anyone-but-you can get spilled into the ether, with reassurances of kindred feelings coming back with the hit of the “send-receive” button.

Because all of the nitty-gritty preliminaries are out of the way before you actually meet the person, Padgett believes that this may foster a sense of relationship before there is an actual relationship. And that can lead to riskier sexual behavior or sexual activity more quickly than if you had met in a traditional setting.

Keep the trench coat on

When it came to personal, physical safety, the women in the study made all the right detective moves. They conducted Google searches, requested photographs, spoke with the men by phone, and asked and re-asked questions to check for inconsistencies. They also made sure to meet in public places and let friends or family know where they were going, and with whom. Some even hired agencies to do background checks before meeting their dates—extreme, maybe—but on the Internet, where anyone can be anything they want, one can’t be too careful.

Anyone can claim to be disease-free for that matter, whether you meet them online, at church or through your mother’s book club. But, if you’re willing to don a trench coat to do the background check, be willing to take responsibility for your total bodily safety.

Practice safe (.com) sex

Be clear about sexual interests and boundaries. If certain intimate behaviors are not within your comfort zone, let it be known. Certain there will be no sex on the first date? Tell him. It may seem like TMI (too much information) but you have to get it out there. Being honest is the only way to know if you and a prospective online partner have a possible real-life future.  Also, by letting the person know what you will and won’t do before you meet in person, you effectively set personal boundaries.  You also eliminate the discomfort of unknown and unmet expectations on his part.
 
Discuss sexual history and status. As hard as it is to talk about these things, it’s something you should do in any relationship that might become sexual. One advantage online dating lends to this issue is its anonymity. “You have this buffer between each other, and so you are not dealing with someone’s facial expressions, grimaces or rejection to what you might say,” Padgett says. That makes it much easier to disclose pertinent information about your sexual past or sexually transmitted infection (STI) status, and it gives you time (and privacy) to digest his. By getting sexual backgrounds out in the open, both of you can weigh the risks and decide if you want to go any further.

Safe sex. While you’re still communicating only online, just state, “I only practice safe sex” or even include that statement as a one-liner in your profile, Padgett says. Keep it that simple. There’s no reason to go back and forth with a man about safe sex, she says, because he needs to know upfront that condom use is not up for negotiation.

If you doubt your ability to draw that line in print, think about this: if you were deathly allergic to shellfish and he suggested Capt. Bob’s Shrimp Fest for your first meeting, would you hesitate for second to tell him no?

Be prepared. Then, when you meet, be sure you’re prepared. Whether it’s your 10th date or only the first, don’t worry what he’ll think of you if you bring condoms. “You cannot put the responsibility on the man to always have condoms,” Padgett says. “You have to be the one to bring them along, because you need to think about your sexual health and your future,” she explains.  And, no, bringing condoms doesn’t mean you’re telling him (or yourself) that you’re ready for physical intimacy. You’re simply prepared to care for your safety. If nothing happens, only you know the contents of your purse.

Although it may seem like there’s a lot involved in trying to maintain safety during online dating, it can be well worth it. “The Internet is a really great platform for women to express themselves, explore, and try to meet men that are interested in the same things they are interested in,” Padgett says. Legitimate online dating services serve as just one more vehicle and venue with which you can engage with like-minded people.

For more information on the study and its results, go to: http://publicaffairs.uth.tmc.edu/media/

To read the complete study, go to: Sexuality Research & Social Policy

 

Last Updated: 1-05-2007

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