Final of a Two-Part Series

Think talking to a younger child about sex is tough? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Talking to a preteen, “tween” or teenager should qualify as an Olympic sport (or at least a reality show.) How nerve-wracking is it? Just think back to when your parents gave you “the talk”—that is, if they ever did. (See Baby Boomers Recall for side-splitting tales of yesteryear's Facts of Life.)

Statistics are on your side: muster up your courage and start talking. “Many studies have shown that teens whose parents talk to them early on about sex, and whose parents share their values with them about sex, are less likely to initiate sex at an early age,” says Christine Markham, PhD, assistant professor of health promotion and behavioral sciences at The University of Texas School of Public Health and deputy director of the UT Prevention Research Center. “And, as teens grow older, if their parents talk to them openly about sex, the more likely teens will behave responsibly if and when they do become sexually active,” she adds.

So where do you start?

School yourself

Not knowing everything there is to know about human sexuality shouldn’t be a barrier to talking about it with your child, Markham says. Nevertheless, it may help to brush up on basic anatomy and biology so you know that you’re giving your child accurate information.

If they ask you a stumper, don’t feel bad. “Say: ‘Wow, that’s a great question. I don’t know the right answer but I can find out for you or we can find out together,” Markham advises.

Take the initiative

Once you’ve armed yourself with the info, use it. “You need to be proactive and find opportunities to talk to your child rather than waiting for her to come to you with questions,” Markham says. She may never come to you. So, it’s up to you to kick things off.

Ask better questions

If your teen is like most others, any and everything is an accusation. So, casually asking, “You’re not having sex, are you?” will shut her down. She’ll think either you’re accusing her or that you broke in to her myspace page.

Your goal is to make your teen comfortable, not put her on the defensive, says Pamela Berens, M.D., associate professor in obstetrics and gynecology at the UT Medical School. She says it’s better to ask wide-open, non-judgmental questions. Ask her what she knows, not necessarily what she does. Get an answer—any answer-- and then expand.

Get real

Put the spotlight on yourself sometimes. Berens says she thinks it’s fine to share with your teen the time you had that huge crush on the guy in science class, or how you remember worrying that you'd never fall in love. Reminding her you were once her age may put her at ease.

Draw personal boundaries

Occasionally we parents give too much information in an effort to befriend our teens in a misfiring attempt at gaining their trust or reminding them that we, too, were once young. Resist that urge. If your child challenges you with the age-old trap: “Yeah, but, I bet you were doing the same thing, weren’t you…” set your privacy boundaries.

First, your child really doesn’t want a visual of you engaging in any intimate behavior, then or now, nor do does he or she want details of your past or present sexual behavior. (Did you want to know your parents’ habits?)

Second, you are The Parent, not the child. Remind your teen that you are here as a guide to help raise healthy adults—you already are a healthy adult.

Find the teachable moment

Whether you’re just starting to talk about sex with your preteen or teen, or you’ve been at this awhile, Markham says you should use what’s around you. It could be a song with explicit lyrics, a TV show with lots of teens hooking up, or learning that a neighbor is pregnant. Those are all “teachable moments” – situations that can be used as launching pads to discuss sex and relationships, she says.

Check your watch

Want to be ignored while talking about sex (drugs, or anything, for that matter)? Then, interrupt him while he’s playing Xbox 360 or she’s IMing friends. “That’s not a teachable moment,” says Berens. “They’re not going to think that you’re serious about the conversation, nor will they take much out of it since that’s not of interest to them right that second,” she explains. Your best bet is to wait until your teen isn’t already knee-deep in some other activity.

Locked and moving cars are a beautiful thing

As long as the word “carpool” has been around, parents have used their chauffeuring time to hold their young audiences captive. Use the time wisely, though. Don’t decide to teach the whole carpool a life lesson on love and lust. The other parents may not approve and your own child might not appreciate the gratuitous humiliation. If you are alone with your child and the moment seems right, make sure you’re near enough to home so that your child doesn’t feel trapped if the discomfort level starts to crest.

Set limits vs. ‘Because I said so, that’s why.’

 “In general, when parents tell children not to do things without an explanation of why, it's not effective, and in some ways, makes the child more curious,” Berens says. Instead, she suggests you tell the child what limits are in place, what your family’s values are—and why. When kids have boundaries in place and they know why the boundaries exist, they tend to take them more seriously, she says.

These “boundaries” of course, may be hard to enforce, but they are easy to communicate. Let your teen know your expectations. And, though our children may cross these family “fence lines,” they at least know that they indeed have wandered into discouraged territory. Better that your teen knows he’s jumped the fence than not know where the fence line is at all.

Forget scare tactics

These same kids skateboard without helmets and text while driving. Scare tactics don’t work. “You want your child to be a healthy teen and adult. Rather than trying to scare him away from sex, it’s better to let him know that sex is a wonderful and natural part of being a human being, but it also has consequences and shouldn’t be taken lightly,” Markham says.

Then educate him on some of those possible consequences – pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), heartbreak, gossip, etc, and help him develop ways to resist peer pressure or to avoid risky situations that may take him further than he wants. The intention is not to frighten but to empower.

Call in help

Sometimes, no matter how reassuring the parent is, teens just don’t feel comfortable chatting about sex with Mom and Dad. In cases like those, Markham suggests you give your teen books to read on the subject, point out Web sites or recommend a trusted aunt, uncle or older sibling with whom the teen may feel more comfortable talking.
If none of that works? “Some kids are more open with a physician of the same sex or with whom the child is already comfortable, so it might be a good idea to have the physician discuss it with her – without you in the room,” Berens says.

Once is not enough

Don’t have “the talk” and breathe a sigh of relief that the torture session is over. “That’s the worst perception of it,” Markham says. “It isn’t ‘the talk’ because it isn’t a one-time deal,” she says. Both she and Berens say sexuality education is a lifelong process that you should address with your child again and again.

However, if you find yourself following your teen around the house, saying, “And another thing…” to the back of his head, you’re overdoing it. Just because you opened the conversational door yesterday and they walked through it doesn’t mean they’ll answer the mind-numbing blamblamblam today.

Sometimes... zip it

“It should be a dialogue,” Markham points out. “You need to be open, you need to listen and you need to ask your teen if he has any questions,” she says. By showing that you’re not only willing to talk, but also listen and not be judgmental or accusatory, you’re almost guaranteeing that when your teen has questions or concerns about sex, he or she will turn to you.

» Read "The Talk" - Part One

UPDATED: 8-12-2007

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