STORY BY

Tamekia Reece

Part one of a two-part series

Picture this: You’re sitting poolside sipping a tall glass of iced tea when your 7-year-old appears, blocking your sun, dripping water on your feet and blurts, “Mom, what’s sex?”

What?

After you’ve coughed up the ice cube that has choked off your composure, you decide it’s  probably a good idea to come up with an answer... if only you knew one...

Contrary to what you may believe, teen time may be too late for “the talk.” Experts say parents should begin early, and primetime is between ages 6 and 11.

But, how?

First, don’t panic. “Often the answer that the child is looking for may be simpler than you anticipate,” says Pamela Berens, MD, associate professor of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at The University of Texas Medical School at Houston. Give a little information and see if it satisfies her curiosity. For instance, she may be content with a “sex is what mommies and daddies do when they love each other” response, Berens says. “If that answer doesn’t work, she’ll let you know by asking more questions or pointing out that you forgot a few things.”

Whether she’s satisfied with the tame answer or wants more details, you’ll have to talk to her or him about sex eventually. If you don’t, friends and other unreliable sources will.

Ready or not?

Just because your best friend, Peggy, started talking to her son about the birds and bees when he was 7 (and reads the dictionary between chess matches and beats you in Sudoku) doesn’t mean your son will be ready now--or two years from now. There’s no hard and fast rule as to when you should teach your child about sex, Berens says. “You have to know the readiness of your child,” she says. “Children are ready for learning these things at different ages.”

Some signs that your child may be ready to discuss sex, body changes and relationships include his showing curiosity and asking questions or a new interest in the opposite sex. He or she may be developing early signs of puberty, such as underarm or pubic hair, breast development or voice changes. Another clue that it’s time for you to do the talking is if he’s getting (what is likely inaccurate) information from friends.  

For younger children ages 6-8, Berens tells parents to wait until the child comes to them with questions. That doesn’t mean to stay mum on the subject, though. “You need to give them permission to come to you,” she says. “You need to tell them ‘if you ever have any questions about your body, you can always ask me,’” she suggests.

There’s one exception to waiting until a question is asked of you: “Children need to understand that strangers do not have permission to touch their bodies,” Berens says. “I don’t think you should wait for the child to come to you to discuss that part,” she says. “You need to make that clear to them when they’re young.”

When it comes to slightly older kids, between 9 and 11, Berens says it’s probably best for you to bring up the subject of sex because even if your child is interested, he or she may not come to you. And, if you can, do so before puberty kicks in. Children need to be prepared for the physical and emotional changes that will occur during puberty, Berens says. In short, look for those unscheduled, natural, teachable moments.

Are you ready?

Even if the child is ready for “the talk,” we parents may be far from it.  The only thing less difficult to imagine than our children one day engaging in sex is imagining ourselves talking with them about it! Still, if your child is ready, you have to be ready yourself. “I think the better prepared the parents are, the less likely they are to be nervous,” says Christine Markham, PhD, assistant professor of health promotion and behavioral sciences at the UT School of Public Health.

• Re-educate yourself.  If you’re afraid you’ll call the uterus the urethra, or are shaky on the body geography yourself, brush up on the anatomy and the other topics you’ll address before you talk to your child.
  
  
• Nervousness is not a four-letter word. If you’ve done the prep work but are still nervous or embarrassed, Markham says it’s OK for you to admit that to your child. Be up front about your skittishness, but let them know that because it is important, you’re going to talk about it. “What’s more important is that the conversation is open, non-judgmental and non-threatening,” she says.
  
  
• Just the basics. In most cases, with young kids, there’s no need to give a detailed rundown of all things sexually related. “I would start with the basics and then expand based on what the child lets me know he is ready for,” Berens says.
  
  
• When enough is enough. Don’t worry about going overboard. If you’re saying too much too soon, you’ll be informed, either through the “eww, yuck,” the universal eye roll or by asking if she can go do something else. In other words, look for the nonverbal signs that your child has received enough information for now.

“You just need to talk to them about how their body is going to change during puberty, about how boys’ and girls’ bodies are different, and you can talk a little bit about where babies come from,” Markham says.

For young children, answers as to the origin of babies may range from “You grew in Mommy’s uterus which is near Mommy’s stomach” to “Daddy has a special seed and Mommy has a special egg.” 

“Right now it’s not going to be the whole nitty-gritty,” she assures. Broad brush strokes are enough.
Depending on your child’s age and maturity level, you might need to cover:

• anatomy (including proper terms and “nicknames” such as wee-wee, if you like)
• how the body changes during puberty (breast development, body odor, body hair, etc.)
• emotional changes that may occur during puberty (such as self-consciousness, attraction to others, etc.)
• the differences between boys’ and girls’ bodies
• menstruation and reproduction
• what your family’s values are when it comes to dating, sex and relationships
• limits for your child and why those limits exist

Preparing for the future

Both Markham and Berens stress that “the talk” is a misnomer. It should be more like a river that you and your children step into many times. “The talk” is just a starting point for what will become a series of discussions throughout their young lives. “It isn’t a one-time event but rather a rolling dialogue. By the time our children are teens, we hopefully have opened the conversational door to all sorts of topics,” Markham says.

Numerous research studies bear out that talking with children early on about the tough topics results in  healthier attitudes and safer practices when they do become sexually active. Markham says that a number of studies show that talking with kids about waiting and peer pressure is associated with delayed initiation of sex. Parent communication with older kids  reaps more responsible sex, studies show.

Whether or not your children are ready for the sex discussion, you have to let them know you are willing to talk—and listen—when they are curious enough to ask.  “Laying that groundwork,” Markham says, “makes it much easier to talk about other issues as they come along.”

» Read "The Talk" - Part Two

UPDATED: 8-06-2007

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